Child Inclusive Mediation in London: How Hearing Children’s Voices Changed the Outcome

When separating parents in London reach a standstill over where their children should live, or how time should be divided, it can feel like there is no way forward. Both parents are certain they know what is best. Both are determined. And both, in many cases, are genuinely trying to do the right thing.

What neither parent always realises is that the children themselves may have something important to say, and that hearing it, properly, can change everything.

This is the story of one London family who agreed to try child inclusive mediation, and why the outcome surprised them both. Their names and identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy, but the process, the conversations, and the result are real.

The Family’s Situation

Marcus and Priya had separated eighteen months earlier, after twelve years of marriage. They had two children: Lola, aged 12, and Theo, aged 10. The family lived in South East London, near Lewisham, and both parents were committed to staying in the area, so the children could keep their school, their friends, and their wider family network close by.

On paper, the situation looked manageable. In practice, it was not. Priya worked irregular hours as a community nurse and needed a flexible arrangement. Marcus had started a new job in Canary Wharf and wanted a consistent weekday schedule he could plan around. Each felt the other’s proposed arrangement was unrealistic, and after months of email exchanges and two failed attempts at negotiation through solicitors, neither had moved.

They came to London Mediation Service having already attended a MIAM and completed one standard mediation session. They were not hostile, but they were stuck. Their mediator suggested adding child inclusive mediation to the process. Both parents were initially unsure. They worried it would upset the children, or put them in an impossible position.

After having the process explained carefully, they agreed to try.

What Child Inclusive Mediation Actually Involves

Child inclusive mediation is not the same as asking children to decide where they live. It is not mediation with children present in the room while their parents negotiate. And it is certainly not about putting children under pressure to take sides.

The process works like this. A specialist child inclusive mediator, who has completed additional training beyond standard family mediation accreditation, meets privately with the child or children. The meeting is calm, age-appropriate, and entirely voluntary. The child is told clearly that they are not being asked to choose between their parents, and that what they say will be kept confidential, with only themes and feelings shared with parents, not their exact words.

The mediator then takes what they have heard and, with the child’s agreement, feeds it back to both parents in a thoughtful way. The feedback focuses on how the children are feeling, what matters most to them day-to-day, and any worries or wishes they want their parents to understand.

You can read a full breakdown of how the process is structured in the Mediate UK guide to child inclusive mediation, which covers eligibility, the mediator’s role, and what to expect at each stage.

Who Can Take Part?

CIM is typically offered to children aged 10 and over, as this is the age at which the Family Mediation Council considers children mature enough to understand the process and participate meaningfully. Younger children can sometimes be included in an adapted form, at the mediator’s discretion.

Both parents must agree to CIM taking place. Neither child nor parent is ever pressured to participate, and any child who decides they do not want to take part after the initial explanation is free to withdraw without any consequence.

The Children’s Sessions: What Happened

Lola and Theo were seen separately, each in their own session of around 45 minutes. The meetings took place at the London Mediation Service South London office in Sutton, which was closer to the family home and easier for the children to travel to after school.

The mediator used age-appropriate activities to help both children express themselves, including simple visual tools and open-ended questions that did not lead them towards any particular answer. Neither child was asked which parent they wanted to live with. Instead, the conversations explored what a typical week looked like for them, what they loved about both homes, what they found hard, and what they wished their parents understood.

What Lola Said

Lola, aged 12, was worried about her GCSE options. She had recently started Year 8, and many of her after-school activities, including a drama club she loved, were on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The current proposed schedules from both parents would mean she missed those sessions at least twice a month. She had not mentioned this to either parent because she did not want to seem difficult.

She also talked about feeling anxious when her parents communicated badly, and about how she sometimes felt she had to manage their emotions when they spoke about each other in front of her. She was not distressed in the session, but she was thoughtful and articulate about things she had clearly been sitting with for some time.

What Theo Said

Theo, aged 10, was mainly concerned about football practice on Saturday mornings and his close friendship with a boy two doors down from his dad’s house. He did not express a preference for either parent, but he did say, in his own words, that he wished he could “just know” what was happening each week. The uncertainty of not having a settled routine was bothering him much more than either parent had realised.

He was also worried that one of his parents might be upset if he had fun at the other parent’s house. He had started censoring what he told each parent about his time with the other.

How the Parents Responded

The shift was immediate, and it was genuine. Neither parent had known about Lola’s drama club conflict. Neither had realised that Theo’s need for routine was at the root of his quieter moods. Both had been so focused on their own circumstances, which were real and valid, that the children’s day-to-day experience had become a secondary concern without either parent intending it to be.

Priya said, afterwards, that hearing the feedback felt like “being handed a map I didn’t know existed”. Marcus said he had assumed the children were coping fine because they hadn’t said otherwise. Neither had understood how hard the children had been working to protect their parents’ feelings.

Within two sessions following the CIM feedback, Marcus and Priya had agreed a shared-care arrangement that anchored Lola’s Tuesday and Thursday evenings at her mother’s home during term time, gave Theo consistency with his Saturday football and Friday nights near his closest friend, and built in a monthly “check-in” structure so the children could flag any changes as their needs evolved over time.

Why Child Inclusive Mediation Works in London

London families face particular pressures that make disagreements over child arrangements harder to resolve than average. Long commutes, shift-pattern work, school admissions pressures, densely connected communities where children may have strong ties to a specific area, all of these factors mean that the stakes in any given arrangement are often higher.

In this context, children often have views that are extremely practical. A child in Hackney may feel strongly about being on the right side of town to get to their secondary school’s after-school club. A child in Sutton may need their weekend to stay consistent to maintain a local sports commitment. These are not abstract preferences. They are real, and they are often invisible to parents who are managing their own considerable pressures at the same time.

CIM creates a route for children to share these things without being put in the middle of a dispute. That is why, in cases like Marcus and Priya’s, it so often breaks a deadlock that neither parent could resolve alone.

Child Inclusive Mediation and the Law

CIM is not a legal requirement, but courts increasingly expect that children’s wishes have been considered before any contested application is made. Under the Children Act 1989, the welfare of the child is the court’s paramount consideration, and the child’s ascertainable wishes and feelings are one of the specific factors listed in the welfare checklist.

If a case does reach the family court, a CAFCASS officer may carry out a section 7 report, which includes speaking with the children. Attending CIM before court proceedings is not a substitute for a section 7 report, but it does mean that parents arrive at any court hearing having already made a genuine effort to hear their children’s views, which courts look on favourably.

For families who want to avoid court entirely, CIM is one of the most effective tools available. Our child arrangements guide explains the full range of options for resolving disagreements about children outside of court.

What Parents Often Ask About CIM

Many parents who are told about child inclusive mediation have the same initial worries. Here are the ones we hear most often, along with an honest answer to each.

“Will my child feel under pressure?”

Not if the process is handled well. A trained child inclusive mediator is skilled in creating a relaxed, low-pressure environment. Children are told clearly before the session that they are not being asked to make any decisions, and that they can choose not to share anything they are not comfortable with. Many children, in fact, find the session a relief, because it is often the first time an adult who is not their parent has asked them how they are actually finding things.

“What if my child says something that upsets me?”

It is possible that the feedback will be difficult to hear. In Marcus and Priya’s case, both parents found it hard to learn that their children had been quietly managing their feelings for months. But hearing something difficult in a supported mediation setting, with a skilled mediator to help you process it, is far better than learning it later, in a court report, or years down the line from your adult children looking back.

“Does the mediator tell me exactly what my child said?”

No. The conversation between the child and the mediator is confidential. What gets shared with parents is a thematic summary, agreed with the child in advance, focused on feelings and needs rather than specific statements. This protects the child and means they can speak freely without worrying that their exact words will be repeated.

Our Mediators and How We Approach CIM in London

Not every mediator is qualified to carry out child inclusive mediation. At London Mediation Service, our CIM sessions are conducted by mediators who hold specific FMC-recognised additional training in working with children, beyond standard family mediation accreditation. You can find out more about the team on our Meet the Team page, including qualifications and experience.

We also encourage families considering CIM to read the independent reviews on our Reviews.co.uk page to hear from other London families who have been through the process. We have over 715 five-star reviews across the Mediate UK network, many of them specifically mentioning how the child-focused approach changed their experience of mediation.

CIM is available across all three of our London locations: Central London at Waterloo, North London at St Pancras, and South London in Sutton. Online sessions are also available where preferred.

Frequently Asked Questions